Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A Letter to my Daughter: You are perfect, just the way you are.

My Darling Havyn,

Sometimes it is all I can do to stay standing upright when I catch a full glimpse of your unadulterated beauty and goodness. Your humor and wit bend me in joy, your tenderness and care bring me to my knees in gratitude. 

If there is one thing I want you to grab ahold of and clench with all the grit you can muster, it is this: You are perfect, just the way you are. 

You are exactly who you are meant to be - body, mind and spirit. A wonderful author wrote, "We are born with souls in perfect form." and I believe this with all my being. Your soul is perfect, Havyn.

This year, you turn 3 on 3/3! Three years of Havyn laughter and Havyn hugs. Three years of Havyn beauty and Havyn love. 

This morning - three years ago - I had slept restlessly since midnight, with cramping too insignificant to convince me I was actually in labor, but too intense to allow me to fall into a deep sleep. By 6am, the cramping had reached a level of consistency that finally convinced me to tell your dad to load the car for the hospital and call the babysitter for your brother. 

At 7am, we were loaded in the car and I, now with full-on contractions every few minutes, sat impatiently in the passengers seat, anxiety about the impending birth process rising rapidly. 

At 8am, we were at the hospital, admitted and waiting in a triage room until a delivery room was prepared for your birth. I was uncomfortable, but not in great pain. A nurse came in to check my progress and said I was dilated five centimeters. Halfway there.

At 9am, we were finally escorted to our delivery room. Contraction pains had increased significantly over the past hour that we waited alone in our triage room, but I still expected a day of laboring before we finally met you. A new nurse - who showed many signs of it being her first day on the job - tried to get me ready for the task ahead. 

At 9:30am, I was in intense pain. My progress had not been checked since admission over an hour earlier. An anesthesiologist had already made one unsuccessful attempt at helping to alleviate my pain, when my regular doctor finally arrived on the scene. He checked my progress and said it was time to push. I panicked -  no pain meds! - but obeyed orders and almost immediately started pushing. 

At 9:52am, you entered the world, ten fingers, ten toes and lots of healthy wailing. I held you immediately, a wash of relief and joy and disbelief at the whirlwind of events you and I had just experienced together. You were so tiny, so tender, so perfect. 

This morning - three years ago - I saw your face and touched your soft skin for the first time. I realized in a much deeper way how powerful our bodies are, to deliver life at just the right time. How capable and equipped and mystery-making our wombs are, to spin such beauty and perfection into being. 
Looking into your hazel eyes, I learned to trust my own strength just a little bit more. 
Havyn, I want you to know you are perfect, just the way you are. You are good. You are strong. You are more powerful than you could ever imagine. 
Your body is capable of producing life. So is your spirit. You have the ability to birth goodness and kindness and hope into the world. 
Some people will tell you that you don't have a spirit, that you are just flesh and blood, that the world is only what you can touch and taste. Don't believe them. 

Some people will grant you a spirit, but will tell you it is flawed, inherently corrupt. They will tell your root is evil. Don't believe them. 

Some people will compare you and critique you by impossible images they see in the media. They will say you are too tall or too curvy or too light. That you are too strong or too sensitive or too expressive. Don't believe them. 

Sometimes, "some people" will be you. Your thoughts will run rampant with uncertainty of who you are and why you are here. You will wonder if you are enough, if you are capable, if you are good. Hold the truth of your goodness tightly. Believe me when I say, You are perfect, just the way you are. 

Happy 3rd Birthday, sweet angel!


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