Thursday, October 24, 2013

Am I enough for You?

I have wrestled over the decades with a deep soul cry that relentlessly wants to know, “Am I enough?”. The questioning comes in the form of, “Am I enough for you?…Mom, Dad, brother, sister, husband, friend…am I enough for you?”. But most often, the question has taken the form of, “Am I enough for You?”. 

A pivotal moment in my soul came in a dark night a dozen years ago as I wrestled with the weight of, “Am I enough for You?”. I sensed that allusive, rule-enforcing, righteous seeking You reverse the question and ask, “Am I enough for you?”. It felt like the answer I’d been looking for…an answer that left me feeling guilty and tired and trying to let that You be enough. 

I’ve sat with that question, frenzied in religious activity, repenting and trying again, confused and exhausted. I’ve tried so hard to let You be enough. I never thought to simply answer, “No. NO! You are not enough! I am not satisfied. This is not what I’m longing for. This is not life to the full. This cannot be it. My soul longs for more!”

You are not satisfying and maybe it has nothing to do with me trying harder or letting go more or following more rules or reading or saying or being more or less of anything. Maybe You are not enough because You were never meant to be enough. Because You are a fabricated divinity of traditions and comforts and You came to me in a box, reduced to something that could never, ever satisfy. You came to me as should-be’s and have to’s and try harders. You came to me in blacks and whites and tight spaces, with no room to breath or life left to satisfy any soul. So, no, You are not enough for me. 

And in saying “No” to that You - that guilt-inducing, disillusioning, unsatisfying You - maybe I can finally say yes to me. Am I enough? Why, yes. Yes. I am enough. This wild, longing soul within me is enough. I am enough. 

This questions then remains: Is there a You that’s enough, too? 

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